208 replies to this topic

[Blizzard]

Everyday I will try to post a joke. Not sure why but I'm guessing it's just something to do.

Joke of the Day:

Business-He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

Edited by Blizzard, 01 November 2007 - 07:30 PM.

[masta-hack]

uhhh ok?

[LILFATE]

Thats not a joke thats a quote sorry

[masta-hack]

oh he posted a joke?

[LILFATE]

well he tried

[Blizzard]

Even though it's a quote, it's a funny one.

[MC Coemgen]

I have a joke:

So a pair of Jumper Cables walk into a bar and says "Can I get a drink?" The Bartender says "Ok, but just don't start anything."

[LILFATE]

no i really dont get it

[Blizzard]

Devil, on Nov 2 2007, 12:33 PM, said:

I have a joke:

So a pair of Jumper Cables walk into a bar and says "Can I get a drink?" The Bartender says "Ok, but just don't start anything."

That's so hilarious

[masta-hack]

me either

[MC Coemgen]

LILFATE, on Nov 1 2007, 08:33 PM, said:

no i really dont get it

Well you use jumper cables to start your car when the battery dies.

[Sharpshooter93]

i dont get the first joke but i got the jumper cables one. I know u guys can think of better jokes

[MC Coemgen]

A young child and his Father are walking threw the forest at night. The son looks at his dad and says "Dad, I'm scared." "Well your not the one who has to walk back to the car alone."

[Corporal Hicks]

lol that one was quite funny,

I would have a joke but i cant think of anything without copying and pasting lol.

[O-Yama³]

A teacher asks her class;

If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, none, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.

Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU;

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

[ℜaven-Σffect]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Political
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

[Sharpshooter93]

Levia╬han, on Nov 2 2007, 08:37 AM, said:

A teacher asks her class;

If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, none, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.

Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU;

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

ℜaven, on Nov 2 2007, 09:55 AM, said:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

haha those are both really good.

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Fishing:
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Parent:
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

[Lenox]

Three friends are all in a plane and have something to ask the pilot. The first one goes in and said that he had a bottle and wanted to know what to do with it. The pilot then replied "Throw it out the window."

The second one walked in and asked the same thing so the pilot said "Throw it out the window."

The third one walked in and said he had a bomb and wanted to know what to do with it. The pilot said to throw it out the window.

A little bit later they land and decide to go sightseeing. They start walking around and come across this man crying and ask him why he was crying. He said he was walking down the street and a bottle fell from the sky and smacked him in the head.

They start walking again and see this young lady crying and asked her why she was crying and she said she was peacefully standing there and a bottle fell and hit her in the head.

After another short walk they stop at a man who is laughing histaricly and ask him why he is laughing so hard and he replied he was walking down the street, farted, then the building behind him blew up.

[MC Coemgen]

^^^LOL, nice one man. I'm going to steal it.


Alright folks, get ready for this joke, ITS A CLASSIC!!!!

So a man walks into a bar and sits at the bar. And then he hears the nut talking to him. And they're saying really nice things, like "Nice shirt. Nice pants. Nice shoes." ect. Feeling a little creeped out, he stands up and walks by a vending machine. The vending machine starts to talk too, only its saying really mean things. "That shirt is ugly. Those Pants suck. Those shoes look like crap." ect. He sits back at the bar. The bartender comes up and asks "Whats wrong?" He responds "Well, the nuts are talking to me, and they're saying really nice things. Then I walk by the vending machine, it starts to talk too, only its saying really mean things." "Well that makes sense. The nuts are complementary and the vending machine is out of order."

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Police-

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[DTM]

What do you tell a women with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.

Edited by DANTHEMAN29, 07 November 2007 - 12:24 AM.

[Blizzard]

DANTHEMAN29, on Nov 7 2007, 04:50 PM, said:

What do you tell a women with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.

That's a good one Dan.