208 replies to this topic

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Medical-

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Aviation-
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

[twinkle07]

Very funny

*strange though as it took quite a while for me to work out the punch line*

Edited by twinkle07, 09 November 2007 - 08:45 AM.

[Blizzard]

twinkle07, on Nov 10 2007, 01:45 AM, said:

Very funny

*strange though as it took quite a while for me to work out the punch line*

Thanks man.

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Kids-
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Brewster!
Brewster who?
Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo!

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Magic-
Magic tricks are what lonely people do to further alienate potential friends.

Edited by Blizzard, 22 January 2008 - 10:43 PM.

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Pun-
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"

And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"

[O-Yama³]

Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

[Alan93]

i get it but its not really something that would make you laugh for more than 7 seconds

[O-Yama³]

I know but I thought I would just post the UK's favorite joke, man were lame, I wouldn't have voted for that its not funny, but there you have it people the Brits have a funny (not ha ha funny) sense of humor.

[AyoLOC]

OK my turn your jokes sucked lol jk cool jokes i heard this at school awhile ago



There were 3 people on a fishing boat (fishing of course) a Rabi, a priest and an ordinary person thats never gone to church in his life anyway they were out fishing all day and at about 11:00 they ran out of bait so the rabi says "ill go get the bait theres a fishing shop just on the other side of the lake he gets out of the boat and walks across the water the ordinary guy says "wow he must be really religious" after he gets the bait he comes back and they continue, a few hours later they run out of bait again. this time the Priest goes to get it he gets out of the boat and walks across the water the ordinary guy says again "he must be really religious" and a few minuets later he gets back with bait and they fish some more.. later they run out of bait again and this time the regular guy says "okay im gunna get the bait this time you two just stay here and talk" he gets out of the boat steps in the water and drowns the priest says to the rabi "do you think we should have told him were the rocks are?"

[6(sic)6]

Rated RKOwned, on Nov 13 2007, 06:43 PM, said:

OK my turn your jokes sucked lol jk cool jokes i heard this at school awhile ago



There were 3 people on a fishing boat (fishing of course) a Rabi, a priest and an ordinary person thats never gone to church in his life anyway they were out fishing all day and at about 11:00 they ran out of bait so the rabi says "ill go get the bait theres a fishing shop just on the other side of the lake he gets out of the boat and walks across the water the ordinary guy says "wow he must be really religious" after he gets the bait he comes back and they continue, a few hours later they run out of bait again. this time the Priest goes to get it he gets out of the boat and walks across the water the ordinary guy says again "he must be really religious" and a few minuets later he gets back with bait and they fish some more.. later they run out of bait again and this time the regular guy says "okay im gunna get the bait this time you two just stay here and talk" he gets out of the boat steps in the water and drowns the priest says to the rabi "do you think we should have told him were the rocks are?"

Ha HA . I liked that one. good job

[Blizzard]

Rated RKOwned, on Nov 14 2007, 11:43 AM, said:

OK my turn your jokes sucked lol jk cool jokes i heard this at school awhile ago



There were 3 people on a fishing boat (fishing of course) a Rabi, a priest and an ordinary person thats never gone to church in his life anyway they were out fishing all day and at about 11:00 they ran out of bait so the rabi says "ill go get the bait theres a fishing shop just on the other side of the lake he gets out of the boat and walks across the water the ordinary guy says "wow he must be really religious" after he gets the bait he comes back and they continue, a few hours later they run out of bait again. this time the Priest goes to get it he gets out of the boat and walks across the water the ordinary guy says again "he must be really religious" and a few minuets later he gets back with bait and they fish some more.. later they run out of bait again and this time the regular guy says "okay im gunna get the bait this time you two just stay here and talk" he gets out of the boat steps in the water and drowns the priest says to the rabi "do you think we should have told him were the rocks are?"

Yeah that's is a good joke.

[borat]

i have joke about mother in law. i have sexytime with my mother in law.

[Lenox]

This joke is really funny.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Blizzard]

Joke of the Day

Fishing:

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

[Alan93]

creedfan62040, on Nov 15 2007, 10:08 PM, said:

This joke is really funny.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

haha thats brilliant

[Blizzard]

Sorry guys for not posting a Joke of the Day in ages. Been really busy. Anyway, here is the Joke of the Day.

Joke of the Day

Lightbulb-
Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.

[Daddy Long Legs]

Blizzard, on Nov 2 2007, 03:27 AM, said:

Everyday I will try to post a joke. Not sure why but I'm guessing it's just something to do.

Joke of the Day:

Business-He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

back to the drawing board for you blizzard

[Blizzard]

Daddy Long Legs, on Nov 24 2007, 12:51 PM, said:

Blizzard, on Nov 2 2007, 03:27 AM, said:

Everyday I will try to post a joke. Not sure why but I'm guessing it's just something to do.

Joke of the Day:

Business-He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

back to the drawing board for you blizzard

Forget that joke. Don't know what I was thinking then.

[uD V ii R u S]

Those who laugh last think the slowest

Heh, Heh

[Stu]

This is why non-racist or offensive jokes aren't funny. Jokes just aren't funny when they're read, they need a punchline, tone, etc.

[B-rad™]

Let me try a joke.

Lower Merion police reported that an individual attempted to "egg" Andy Reid's house last night
.
The report stated; An empty egg carton was recovered at the scene. Three eggs went over his house and hit his neighbor's back door,
four eggs hit the houses of each of his next-door neighbors, and the remaining eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton from where the individual threw them. Strangely, Reid's house wasn't actually hit by any of the eggs.

Police officials say they are considering Donovan McNabb as the primary suspect.


Another? Okay

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a purple & black Baltimore Ravens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the pope watched horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Pittsburgh Steeler jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Baltimore Raven fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three Pittsburgh Steeler fans beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Baltimore Ravens & Pittsburgh Steelers, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing! Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?

[Daddy Long Legs]

B-rad™, on Nov 24 2007, 04:42 PM, said:

Let me try a joke.



Another? Okay

I think I speak for everyone here when I say


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
YOU SUCK! you tried, and you failed.

[Alan93]

why must you try so hard to et banned every where you go